“An old Zen teacher sat quietly while an angry peasant showered him with insults, accusing him of corrupting youth with his teachings. The teacher said not a word. When the peasant finally left, the confused students asked: Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you defend yourself?
The teacher smiled: If someone brings you a gift, and you decide not to accept it – who does the gift stay with?”
This Zen story, which I share in my book Be Successful in Life, holds the key to understanding the emotional burden we often carry. In my view, there are two types of giving. When anyone gives you something, they give you either a gift or a debt. The difference between a gift and a debt is enormous.
The Sun and Cloud Test
People often ask me how to be sure whether something is a gift or debt. Here’s a simple test: a gift is like the sun – it warms you even when you didn’t ask for it, shines on you even when you haven’t subscribed, and you never hear: “Remember how much I warmed you last summer?” A debt, on the other hand, is like a cloud that constantly threatens rain – you never know when it will shower you with cold, sharp drops right across your face.
A gift is fresh and unconditional. It gives wings to our journey, creates a sense of gratitude that fills us with energy, liberating and without hidden expectations on either side.
A debt is suffocating and conditional. It pulls us backward, creates anxiety that exhausts, is accompanied by a feeling of weight from unspoken expectations and always traps both parties.
Stories from the Book: Mila and Stefan
Mila, one of the protagonists in my book, feels this every time her boss mentions how she “pulled her out of ordinary accounting and made her a manager.” Every promotion, every praise, came with invisible interest – expectations of unconditional loyalty, overtime work, constant availability.
Stefan, another hero from the book, carries a different burden. His success is built on the foundation of his wife’s sacrificed career. “She put everything on pause because of me” – this sentence is like a stone that drags him down with every business decision, every late meeting, every business trip.
The Invisible Debt Contract
We carry an enormous burden on our backs that grows day by day. We feel we owe our parents because they educated us, a friend because they stood by us when no one else did, a mentor for support when we were just a seed on our path to success, our children because we didn’t have the time for them we wanted, a sister or brother who didn’t reach their heights.
But it’s crucial to understand – as in the Zen teacher’s story – we choose whether to accept that burden.
Giving is always the giver’s choice. When someone decides to give us their time, contacts, support, or sacrifice – that’s their decision. Unless someone puts a gun to your head and says, “take it,” or you sign a precise contract defining the transaction, you don’t owe anyone anything!
We’ve imagined that we signed an invisible debt contract by the mere act of receiving. Emotional debt exists only if we allow it.
A gift is the giver’s decision, but acceptance is the receiver’s choice. In this simple truth lies the key to liberation, both for those who give and those who receive. When we understand this, we stop creating chains of obligation and start building bridges of true generosity.
Recognizing the Difference
Here’s how to recognize the difference: a true gift makes you light as a feather, while debt is emotionally heavy as a stone. When someone does something for you, pay attention to your feeling. Do you feel energetic and grateful? Do you have the freedom to choose how to react? Is communication clear without hidden messages? That’s a gift.
But if you feel weight, obligation, if unspoken expectations hang in the air, if there’s pressure to “return” in a specific way – that’s debt they’re trying to impose on you.
How to Break Free?
Mila began to recognize the difference between gift and debt that we discussed in detail several times. When her boss would say: “After everything I’ve done for you…”, instead of the usual wave of guilt, she would wisely realize: yes, her boss did recognize her potential, and yes, she turned that potential into results through her own work. The transaction is complete. The debt is crossed out!
Stefan took an even harder step: he began talking with his wife about their “debt.” They discovered that her choice to temporarily put her career on pause wasn’t a sacrifice for him but a choice for their family, a choice she made freely and is proud of. His sense of debt was actually diminishing the value of her conscious choice.
How Not to Become a Debt Creator
Do you recognize yourself in any of these phrases: “After everything I’ve done for you…”, “I’ve always accommodated you…”, “If it weren’t for me…” These seemingly harmless phrases are actually small weights we hang on others, but they’re also a burden on our dear hearts. Any giving that comes with reminders stops being a gift and becomes an investment in someone else’s guilt and our own frustration.
Final Liberation
A relationship that can be ruined by you stopping being an emotional ATM wasn’t healthy, but a credit arrangement. Liberation from emotional debt is a process of reprogramming both yourself and your relationships. Some people will protest when you close the bank. And that’s okay – give them time to learn to love you whole, as you are, without wars and interest. Every relationship based on debt is like walking on a tightrope – tense, uncertain, and exhausting. And you deserve to walk freely, upright, with both feet firmly on the ground toward the success and wholeness you deserve.
No one can force you to carry a burden you haven’t agreed to bear yourself. That’s your choice, always and forever.
Practical Step: In the Workbook accompanying Be Successful in Life, Exercise 2.5 “GIFT vs. DEBT” guides you through recognizing the difference between authentic gifts and emotional debts in relationships.
Reference: Chapter “Subtraction” – Be Successful in Life, pp. 71–76.
2020
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