Imagine this scenario: you’re hurriedly walking down a busy city street, perhaps thinking about work or wondering when your daughter’s practice is, when you suddenly catch your foot on an uneven piece of pavement. Your step falters, your arms frantically search for balance, and your bag awkwardly slides over your shoulder. In that moment, it feels like every passerby has stopped to watch you. Your face burns with embarrassment, your heart pounds wildly, and you’re absolutely certain this story will be the main topic of conversation at the nearby café table long after you’ve disappeared around the corner.
This sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Probably so, because we all find ourselves in situations from time to time when it feels like we’re under a magnifying glass. Maybe it happens when your boss doesn’t reply to your email for three days and you immediately conclude you’ve been excluded from the project. Or when your friend doesn’t wish you happy birthday, and you’re already constructing theories about how she resents you for not inviting her to the theater last month. The worst might be that feeling when you walk into a meeting room and the conversation suddenly stops – your mind immediately explains: “They were talking about me, that’s clear as day.”
All these situations share one common thread – the belief that we’re at the center of others’ attention, that others constantly analyze, evaluate, and remember our mistakes.
But the truth is quite different. Most people didn’t even notice you because they, too, are absorbed in their phones or deeply lost in their own thoughts. Those who did see your moment of clumsiness have already forgotten it before reaching the next Instagram post they mindlessly scroll through. And no one, absolutely no one, will think about your imperfections in a few moments, especially not tomorrow morning when they’re getting ready for work. Your boss might have 247 unread emails, your friend might have personal drama she didn’t want to burden you with on a beautiful day, and your colleagues in the room fell silent because they had just finished discussing an (irrelevant anyway) football match when you entered and – just like you – want the meeting to start and end as quickly as possible.
In this gap between what we think is happening and what’s actually happening, you fall victim to the spotlight bias – that crazy belief that we’re constantly under the spotlight of others’ attention, as if we’re living in The Truman Show, where the audience follows our every move. Unlike Truman, whose life really was a reality show, ours exists only in our heads. Our mind naturally assumes that other people think about us as much as we think about ourselves. And since we think about ourselves… well, practically constantly – whether these are conscious thoughts or not – then others must do the same, right?
No. Not really. Really not.
When Hanlon’s Razor Cuts Our Ego
Here we come to one of the most useful mental tools we can use in our arsenal for a successful and peaceful life. It’s called “Hanlon’s Razor” and in short it says – “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance or mistake.” We can adapt it to our context: “Never attribute to intention or judgment what can be explained by the fact that people are simply thinking about their own things.”
Your colleague doesn’t greet you in the hallway, and your mind immediately builds complicated scenarios: “He must be angry about that email… or maybe he’s talking about me around the office…” Your brain analyzes every possible reason why he ignored you and – if we’re completely honest, we rarely think it’s about something of his, or something related to us, but positive.
And reality is always much simpler… Maybe he’s staring at his phone reading an urgent message, maybe he’s worried about his sick child, or he’s mentally absent because he’s solving a complex problem. Maybe he genuinely didn’t register that you were there.
You’re not the star of your reality show. You’re not the center of his world, just as he’s not the center of yours. But you are the center of your own. And there you have something to think about.
The Paradox of Measure
The fascinating duality we all live daily:
- We’re not the center of the world – people around us have their own problems, fears, joys, obligations. They think about us far less than we think (they think), because they’re focused on their own life challenges (or – just like us, they’re thinking about how we see them).
- But we are the measure of our own world – because absolutely everything we see, experience, and interpret passes through the filter of our personal experience, beliefs, past, traumas, and joys.
When someone says something that hurts you, you rarely hear it objectively. You hear it through all your past – through every situation when you were rejected, misunderstood, hurt. They might be talking about the weather, and you hear criticism of your existence because their comment reminds you of something painful you experienced once.
Solving the Paradox
Here are some handy ways to exit the drama and overcome the paradox:
- For spotlight bias: Every time you feel others are watching you, ask yourself: “Do I remember every stumble of others from a month ago?” Probably not. Even if you remember, do you judge that person? No. Neither will they judge your clumsiness.
- For Hanlon’s Razor: Before concluding someone “has something against you,” consider the simplest explanation: maybe they’re tired, absorbed in their own problems, or unaware of how their behavior affects others.
- For the paradox of measure: Accept that you are the measure of your world – because that’s the reality of human experience. But be aware that everyone else is also the measure of their world. Your reality isn’t the only one; events important to you may not be important to everyone. And that’s okay – if you doubt, ask; if you don’t know, seek explanation; if something bothers you, voice your concern. Step out of your head into a space where others can hear and see who you are and how you are.
Practical Wisdom
Next time you feel you’re “on the spot,” remember:
- People are mostly focused on themselves, not on your mistakes
- Their reactions say more about them than about you
- You experience your ego through your perspective – they through theirs
You’re not the center of the world – which is liberating. You are the measure of the world, which is a privilege and responsibility.
In this delicate balance lies the secret to a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Don’t assume they constantly think about you. But understand that what you experience always passes through your personal filter.
You deserve to become what you can become – without unnecessary fear of others’ spotlights, but with full awareness of your measure of the world.
Because when you stop thinking everyone is constantly watching and judging you, you can finally clearly see yourself.
2020
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